[TLV][IC Inbox]

[reargunner]

ᴛᴇxᴛ | ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ | ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ | ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ



Leave a message if you want. I'll get back to you when I pick my comm up.

Or I won't.

Comments

[inthebiblicalsense]

I was going to, it...I had it all lined out in my head, but then you- [Disrupted the scenario by existing outside of it as a real ass person and it threw off all his plans.]

Oh my god...

[Abel sits for a moment, coffee completely forgotten on his knee, except now he's slowly reaching over to place it on the table before he pulls his legs up, running his fingers back through his hair before gripping it tightly. His forehead hits his knees, feeling like he needs to go scream at himself in utter horror.]

What the fuck is wrong with me?

[reargunner]

[... sigh.]

Don't do that. You're gonna go bald.

[He curls his hands around Abel's fingers and tries to gently prise them out of his hair.]

C'mon. Let go.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[That's exactly what Malcolm had said, and yet here he is, doing it again instead of trying those breathings exercises.]

My dad is balding. It shouldn't be genetic for me, but maybe it doesn't have to be.

[He's not even trying to make a joke, but he does relent a little, not gripping so tightly at least. He doesn't look up though, half talking into his knees.]

I was trying to say the right thing, but...the point wasn't to get what I wanted. Well, maybe that was part of it, but I spent so long trying to figure out what to say because I didn't want it to hurt you.

[reargunner]

[That's fine. He drops one hand but keeps the other on Abel's head, making sure he doesn't start to pull his hair out.]

Did you consider for even a second that 'hey, I'm in love with someone else' would hurt to hear no matter what you said?

[Seriously, Ethan...]

You didn't even ask me if I was okay with that kind of... relationship setup. [He lets his other hand drop and shakes his head with a soft exhale.]

I guess it seemed like I took it better than I did 'cause I was... trying to force it. But the more I thought about how it all came out... the more it just felt like you didn't actually consider how I'd feel at all. Just how you wanted me to feel.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I started to ask, during our first conversation, but then you freaked out, and I started panicking, it...I swear I didn't waste my time planning just to half ass it. [He sighs, heavily and rubs his face against his knees.]

Alexei, I'm not usually this hopeless, but when you're upset and panicking like that, and I can see it on your face, or hear it in your voice, I start to panic myself. And this isn't an excuse, I...I need to work on this myself, but it derails my train of thought with this hum, and I can't focus. It's...frustrating.

[He finally lifts his head just the slightest bit, lacing his fingers with Cain's carefully.]

And I do care how you feel. I just...see people on board and they make it work some how, and I guess I got caught up in wishing that was me.

I did try asking for advice, what they said when they brought it up, how to even start a conversation like this, and no one gave me a clear answer, after a while I felt like I needed to stop asking and just figure it out myself, and we can see how well that worked.

[reargunner]

[He shakes his head.]

I'm gonna come back to you discussing the complications in our relationship with half the Barge later.

[Yes, he knows it wasn't half the Barge, but allow him the moment of hyperbole to vent his frustration that Abel decided to talk to everyone but him about something in which he was more than directly involved.

He doesn't pull his hands away.]

And I... remember what you said was something like... 'we should tell each other if it starts to turn into more than sex'. That isn't asking. [Alexei is trying very hard to be patient. It's obvious in the tone of his voice and how he keeps carefully pausing before he speaks. Trying not to let his temper get the better of him.]

I'm not 'people on this ship'. And expecting me to be okay with shit because other people are and because you want it is... it isn't fair.

[He inhales softly and sighs it out.]

And Ethan, I don't like knowing that I'm being talked about and walked around like I'm not here. I told Florian the same thing when I fuckin' told him off for coming over.

[inthebiblicalsense]

It wasn't like I was talking to random people, I can't imagine what you're thinking I'm saying, but I'm doing it for my benefit, to work out the problem on my end and learn before I inevitably bungle it, apparently, with you. Unless you're saying I'm not allowed to ask for advice at all if your going to be attached to it, which I don't- That's ridiculous.

[He's missing the point of that entirely, but at the very least he's proving that he's attempting to communicate more than he has been, just...doing the majority of the leg work with the wrong people, namely those whose name isn't Alexei.]

I know that's not asking, like I said I wasn't done. [He shifts their linked hands to his knees, resting his cheek on them and looks across at Alexei, very clearly frustrated but trying his best to not let that get in the way of listening.]

What your saying to me, or at least what I'm hearing you say is that I'm not supposed to talk about you with my friends because you don't like it. Is that accurate, or am I missing something?

[reargunner]

[He has to take one of his hands back to pinch the bridge of his nose.]

I swear to fucking god...

[He's going to get a headache. He can feel it. It's better that they're talking, yes, but he can't help but feel like every time he turns he's stepping on a rake that flips up and hits him in the face.]

If that's what you're hearing you need to get your ears checked. It's not what I'm saying.

[It's what he might have said, once upon a time, but definitely not right now.]

What I'm saying is when you see there is a problem with me, I should be the one you talk to. I know I had my part in it too. But we're not children, Ethan. If we can't— if we can't just talk to each other then there's a bigger problem. [He frowns a little.] It shouldn't take months and you talking to multiple people just to be able to be able to approach me about something. I don't bite. Not unless you ask, anyway.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Alexei, when I called to ask you to talk, originally, and clarified that it wasn't something bad on the phone, you were incredibly anxious when you showed up.

What part of that, or anything that we've said or done before should have let me know that's what you want? I barely even knew you and Florian were friends, and he just comes over and tells me that he knows things, but I can't know what they are, so I'm dancing around you to try and preserve your privacy all the while he's telling me he has to assume I care but that it doesn't seem like it to him.

[And he knows that his method in this is wrong, he's going to work on fixing it, but jumping into this when he has no idea what he's doing was incredibly daunting, and he couldn't see himself just turning to Alexei without doing some kind of desperate advice seeking and come out any better, in fact he's sure it would have been worse.]

I know we're not children, but you can't tell me the communication issue is just a me problem.

[reargunner]

I didn't tell you that. I said I had a part in it, too. Just then.

[And he'll give the other man a slightly raised eyebrow, because this is kind of what he meant about Abel only hearing what he wants to hear.]

And yeah, maybe I was a bit anxious, because no good conversation has ever started with a paragraph-long 'I just wanted to talk about us' text. Especially not when I thought we had 'us' figured out already.

[There's a small twitch of one shoulder then.]

Guess I hadn't been entirely right on that count.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He presses his lips together, fighting the urge to roll his eyes.]

I'm not sorry for being thorough. And you've seen my reports, your lucky it wasn't two paragraphs, I could have spent less time editing it down to one, you know.

[It's unfortunate that he's only half joking.

He shifts a little, cheek still on his knees, but leaning more into the back of the couch rather than sitting up.]

When you first got here, you said you didn't want to know anything about who I might be messing around with, but it was fine that I did. So I didn't tell you about Norton, you made it clear you didn't want to know. And as far as we are concerned, I broke it off with you before I even got here. It had been almost half a year for me, Alexei.

[He stares at the small space between them on the couch.] Can you honestly say you were in the right place to talk about any of this, constructively for the first few months you were here? I- I told him that when It was time to go home, I was going back home to you. It's... you keep telling me not to cut you out of the equation, and I feel like I never did, but for a long time, you weren't there.

[reargunner]

[This time he does take his other hand back, but only so he can pet the cat still curled on his lap. It's growing increasingly difficult to keep his temper in check, but by god he's doing his best.

The cat helps.]

So, what's that supposed to mean to me? I wasn't here, you were doing... whatever was going on with Norton. I know that. But nothing about that means I have to be magically okay with you throwing 'by the way, I'm in love with him' at me.

[He looks down at the top of Alex's head and presses his lips together for a moment. He decides to take the high road in not mentioning that Abel immediately fell back into bed with him, and now here they were.]

You can't honestly be expecting that. That isn't how it works. You had to know I'd... find that hard.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I didn't say you had to be, I was trying to explain that I've been wanting to say something for months but when was a good time? I asked you what we were and you gave me this...non-answer, and turned the question back around to me. You said I was special, I said we were friends, because regardless of my own inability to keep my hands to my fucking self, I wanted to get to know you again, before I committed to anything.

Was I supposed to magically know that 'special' means that we're committing without you actually asking me to? Or should I have brought it up during that fucked up hell week, or when the boat flipped, or on the Narrenschiff, where we both were in survival mode and on edge?

And yes, I knew it was going to be a hard conversation, which is why I didn't have it, because I was worried about you, and how you were feeling. I haven't been putting it off just because I wanted some perfect outcome, Alexei... I don't know how many times I have to say it, but I don't want to hurt you, and you're right, I don't think there was a way to bring it up that would avoid that, but I'm not stupid.

You might act like it's better, but I know you're uncomfortable. I...Just didn't want to be the one that might push you over the edge. [And while he doesn't think Alexei is fragile, he understands that he was a life line for a while. He might not be as much now, he has other friends, which he's thankful for, but it certainly didn't feel like a good idea to shake up his stability with something that he felt could wait.]

[reargunner]

[He's quiet for a minute after that, not looking at Abel and just stroking his thumb back and forth behind Alex's ear while he purrs.

He can feel his bubbling frustration and knows he's getting irritated.]

This doesn't feel like it's getting us anywhere.

[Alexei sighs out eventually, and he sinks back against the back of the couch and lets his head fall back against it. He shuts his eyes.]

I don't know what you want from me in this.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel feels like they're going in circles, and it's probably his fault. They haven't talked about this, he feels the need to justify his own actions, and he talks too much, he knows he does. But it's because he wants it to be clear in as many words as it takes to get there.

They're both frustrated, but he is thankful that neither of them have gotten angry yet. He isn't sure that would help.]

What I want is for you to feel like I'm at least trying, and I'm not sure you do.

[Alex purring in his lap is making him wish he had two cats, but some part of him wonders if he got another one, if it would prefer Alexei's lap when he was over too. Probably.]

So, instead of attempting to justify my actions, can I ask you how you're feeling? And I'll be quiet, I'll just listen. Because I haven't done that still, and I...I don't want you to think I don't feel like that isn't important to me, because it is.

[reargunner]

[Another pause, then he cracks his eyes open slightly and exhales, straightening up slowly so he doesn't disturb Alex from his happy spot on his lap.]

How I'm feeling? And you can't say anything until I'm done.

[He gives Abel a look, and once he's got the affirmative, he starts.]

... It isn't as if this is something I'm used to either. Being with someone. Feeling about someone the way I do about you. Relationships when you're a teenager they're... not the same. And prison is better not talked about at all. [His lips twist in a brief, bitter half-smile.]

Then I met you. And you were the first person to touch me without any ulterior motives or without hurting me for years. I dunno if I've made that clear enough before. Fucking years. And I was trying not to—... well, we know how that fucking went for me don't we.

[Fell head over heels. Like a fucking idiot.]

I didn't have the gap in time that you did. For me it was just like... we picked up where we left off. And... yeah, I guess I see now that we were seeing things differently and didn't know. [He looks down at Alex again.]

How I feel right now is... that you'll only be happy if I act like nothing is bothering me. That if you say enough words, you'll hit on the right thing and it'll all be fine and exactly like it was before. I don't like sharing, but I can deal with it. Norton's... okay.

[A small frown pinches his eyebrows together. He remembers what he said to Florian.]

... I want to feel like I matter. [He mutters quietly.] Without always having to fucking fight for it. I guess I—... I didn't realise how insecure this would make me feel.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel sits himself up, actually setting himself in a way that he hopes makes it clear that Cain has his full attention. His legs are crossed, back to the arm of the couch, and his hands grip his ankles. The only distracting thing now is Alex, and the two of them there look like a pair, his little white patch on his chest the only thing really separating the two of them in looks if Abel squinted.

But he listens, trying his best to not start analyzing what he's saying while he's saying it. He'll miss things if he does that, and he wants to be present for this, because it's important.

and when he's done, he allows himself to process.] Give me a minute, I want to think about what you've said.

[reargunner]

Yeah.

[His heart is pounding. He feels like he's going to be sick.

Alexei sinks back into the cushions again and looks up at the ceiling as he processes through his own words.]

Long as you want.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He takes a few minutes to think, puzzle it out in his mind before he starts speaking.

He's calm enough, most of that frustration is gone, but it's still lingering, if only because he's still frustrated with himself.]

I'd like to start by saying that I'm sorry that I made you feel that way, because that wasn't ever my intention and I thought I could avoid that by telling you how important you are to me. But because I approached this like boxes I was checking off to make sure that you were okay instead of actually asking if you were, It... All of that effort was worthless, and it did the exact opposite of what I was trying to do. That's entirely my fault, and I can see that very clearly.

[He has more to say, but he stops a moment, looking over at Alexei.]

I know I can't fix this, but I can learn from it, and I hope you'll be patient with me, while acknowledging that you've been nothing but patient, and I don't want you to think I don't see that either, because I do.

[reargunner]

[He keeps his eyes closed while he's listening but lets out a quiet little snort.]

I don't think I've ever been this patient about anything in my fucking life. Gonna strain something I didn't know I had at this rate.

[He's trying really, really hard. At least that is being noticed.]

You're doing good. Keep going.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[That pulls the tiniest smile from him, dipping his head a little with a soft laugh.]

Well, obviously you're much better at not using your words to show someone how much you care. If I had any questions about it now, I'd have to be blind.

[The next part is harder though, and he shifts a little, gripping his ankle more tightly, shoulders stiff.]

I...I'd like to say that you're wrong, that I wasn't trying to fix the outcome to get what I wanted but...I can admit that I certainly tried.

I don't like to be honest about that...that I can be selfish, that I'm not perfect as much as I try to project that, because I'm afraid if I am, and I show you how selfish I can be I'll ruin everything.

[Abel glances to the side, not looking at him directly.]

I had no one for a very long time until I met you, and when that wasn't what I thought it was and I came here, I was desperate to stop feeling like the only way someone could learn to tolerate me is if they were forced to.

So when I realized that I might have to give up you or someone who never saw me as an obligation, I...I didn't want to make that choice. So I didn't, and I thought if I said it in the right way, maybe you wouldn't feel like I took your right to choose away from you. And that's wrong, I know it is, but I don't- I still don't know if I can honestly say I can make that choice if you made me choose.

[reargunner]

[When Abel talks about being selfish, he just hums softly, because he knows. God, he knows so damn well at this point, but he would have to have been blind to not notice it sooner.]

I'm not going to make you choose.

[Maybe that... sounds more ominous than he intends it to. Still, he doesn't carry on immediately.]

If I was gonna do that I would have done it weeks ago. [He rolls his head to the side on the back of the couch and looks at the other man for a moment.]

You know... maybe it wasn't what you thought it was, but every time I've told you that I love you, I've meant it. When I said I didn't want to end things, I meant it.

[He chews his lip briefly.]

Moya polovinka. I called you that at the party at new years. It means 'my other half'. But I guess the vibe is more like 'my soulmate'. I don't feel like that about you because someone forced me to.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[There is some relief there, but it isn't as much as when he'd first said he'd make it work. He understands that this is something that he's doing because he loves him, not because he'd asked and let him make that decision.

But then he's still talking, and despite wanting to interrupt, to tell him that he never questioned that he meant it here, he's glad he managed to keep his mouth shut.

He has to press his lips together tight, set his jaw so he doesnt start crying, but it's good, to hear that from him.]

You know...when we were back home, I kept thinking about how messy this could get, how messy it already was...and then I came here and it was still messy.

But...you weren't here, and I realized that the main reason it was messy in the first place was me. I'm a mess. A-and I've been nothing but a mess since I got here.

[He has to laugh at himself, lifting a hand to press his palm to his eye that was threatening tears.]

I was so scared that you would realize that, and decide I wasn't worth the trouble. Like, 'Oh, that messy bitch? Not my problem any more.' But I'm a fucking idiot sometimes, and here you still are, saying things like that when you've just seen how much of an ass I can be. I-

I've seen you work so hard to be something you think I want, and I appreciate that effort, and I love that you're making that effort because I want you to find yourself again, be comfortable not just for me, but for you, because you deserve to feel that way.

I just... I wish I wasn't fucking unraveling into more of a mess while Im trying to figure my own shit out, but I swear I'm trying. I know it doesn't look like I am, but I really am.

[reargunner]

[Alexei shifts in place. He scoops Alex up and deposits the little cat gently beside him so he doesn't get tipped out of his lap when he moves across to Ethan so he can put an arm around him, cup one side of his face, and kiss him.]

You are a mess. [He tells him, not shifting too far back to say it.] And you're selfish and self-centred and frustrating, but yanno what..? That's all part of you, and even though you make me want to rip my fucking hair out sometimes, I wouldn't take those things from you.

[His lips twitch.]

Maybe tone 'em down a bit.

[Because wow, can he ever be frustrating.]

You're not perfect, but I'm not perfect either. People aren't meant to be. And this—... this has fucking sucked, but we talked, and I think we got somewhere, and I'm glad you're still my problem.

[Another little kiss, and a smile.]

I've never wanted anyone as much as I want you.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He hadn't quite expected it, but he welcomes it, practically following him as he pulls back just enough to talk. It's been a minute since he's given him a kiss, not since before they'd talked and it helps settle something in his chest that had felt so uneasy since he'd left him to his room that first day.]

I wish I wasn't...God I get so angry at myself, like...who even am I any more. [Before he'd just worked, and he existed to work, and nothing he wanted he would let himself have. Every selfish little desire, the shitty things he might want to say were mostly kept to himself, none of it mattered.

But then he'd lost purpose and every single thing he'd ever wanted became so incredibly irresistible and the shitty things he would have not given a second glance just sit in the forefront, unhindered and free to plague his mind. It was like he'd pressed pause on himself before he enlisted and the rush of hitting play again once he'd deserted had him scrambling to remember how to be a regular person.

He starts to say something, a quiet tease back, except the words catch in his throat after that second kiss, frozen in place.

The last time Alexei had said that to him he'd been far more put together, killing it, a picture perfect model of fine, and in his mind he didnt think he was anywhere close to who he had been now.

He sucks in a shuddering breath, scanning Alexei's face for just a moment, as if this was some kind of joke, but hes still smiling at him like that and his lips press tight, trembling.]

You- you really mean that, don't you?

[Is a half choked out whisper before he can't stop himself any more and there he goes, leaning back against the arm of the chair, crying his eyes out and desperately trying to press at his eyes to get himself to stop.]