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[reargunner]

ᴛᴇxᴛ | ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ | ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ | ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ



Leave a message if you want. I'll get back to you when I pick my comm up.

Or I won't.

Comments

[reargunner]

[Cain sighs.]

Yeah. Sure.

[He takes the earbud and fits it into his ear, leaning his head back a bit and closing his eyes.]

Already been doing nothing most of today. Don't mind having company to do some more of it.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel isn't going to comment on how that is a little worrying to him, but he's attempting to not crowd. Cain won't talk about it, but he's not leaving either. He can attempt to work with this.

To keep the cord from pulling if either of them moved, he puts his arm around his shoulder, pulling him in close and leans his head back against the bed frame behind them, scrolling for a minute before putting on something soft.

He'd felt like shit when he'd first arrived and Simon & Garfinkel has been incredibly soothing.]

Here, if you want to change it, I won't stop you.

[Which, in offering the little device over as a distraction for names of artists he's probably never heard of, is a rather big show of trust, even if Cain might not think anything of it.]

[reargunner]

[Cain doesn't stiffen at all against having Abel's arm put around him like that, only sinks down a bit and leans a little into the other man's shoulder.

The music starts to play and he takes the device when it's offered but doesn't even look at it, only fiddles with the shape of it between his fingers.]

This is fine.

[Not really to his tastes but not so much that he objects to listening to it.]

Just wake me up if I fall asleep or something.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[If he does fall asleep he probably needs it. There isn't any reason why he would need to wake him up. Maybe if it got closer to dinner.

The hand at his shoulder gently traces circles through his shirt, slow and methodical as he closes his eyes.

He wonders if Cain had gotten here first if he would have offered the same. Hard to tell. His other hand finds Alex in Cain's lap, rubbing his chin as he tries to focus on something else.]

[reargunner]

[It's bothersome at first, somehow, that consistent touch against his shoulder. Distracting in a strange way that has him missing the first half of the song playing. He watches Abel's hand stroking Alex for a minute and then grabs it, laces their fingers together, and pulls it up to press his lips to the back of it.]

Haven't been sleeping well without you, y'know. [He says, his head resting against the bed and half tilted towards Abel's shoulder.]

Got too used to you being there.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[The constant motion almost stops when Cain pulls his hand up, opening his eyes to look at Cain for a moment, quiet as he considers what to say in response.

He's trying to be honest, be a presence for Cain, but he keeps doing these little things that just catch him off guard in the worst way.

He doesn't pull his hand away, doesn't want to make him feel like he doesn't want him to be here when he asked him to come by, but there was a moment when he considered it.]

That tends to happen when you sleep next to someone on the floor for a year.

[Those thin pads weren't the comfiest thing ever, and the best thing about it was resting his head on Cain's shoulder or his chest, draping an arm over him and just catching sleep when they could. It had felt more safe than just being alone. He still wasn't sleeping well and it had been three months of trying to get over the loss of it.]

How do you think I've felt these past three months by myself? And I know I look like shit, you don't have to sugar coat it.

[reargunner]

Heh. I didn't want to point it out, but yeah.

[It could have been because of anything, after all, and after three months he wasn't going to assume that it was still because of him. He lets their hands drop down but doesn't let go, not unless Abel works his fingers free first, but he does straighten up to look at him properly.]

You've looked better.

[He's still pretty cute, though.]

[inthebiblicalsense]

[His expression turns a little flat, turning his head fully to frown at him, though there isn't much bite to the look, this at least feels a little more normal. Teasing, though as much as he liked the idea of holding his hand, it's strange how it irritates him that it wasn't his decision. Just one more thing to try and figure out amongst all the things that he should have figured out in the three months he'd had without Cain.

He'd never been one to drag his heels on anything, and yet the first time he did it truly came back around to bite him in the ass.]

You don't have to ask, you know? Well, maybe a heads up would be nice, but... If we're just sleeping, that's fine. No point in making you go through what I did.

I'm here, I can help...It would be good for me too.

[reargunner]

Yeah?

[Those three months of space between them are strange to think about and often forgotten, and Cain is so very willing to simply let himself act like nothing is really wrong at all when the thought of bringing any of it up feels like putting a flame to gunpowder. Things are already difficult enough.]

Same to you. I mean, you know where I am. [The corner of his mouth twitches in a half smile.] Any time you want.

[He can't imagine a time when he'd kick Abel out of bed.]

Just sleeping.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[And here is Abel, itching to bring it up, but shoving it down so that he can give Cain some time. It's entirely horrible for him, but of course, when was he ever healthy in his relationship with Cain?]

When I finally figure out what I want to do with this room, I'll ask for a different way to get in, so I can change the room filter and not have to deal with asking for keys.

[His knee shifts, bumping Cain's before looking down at their still linked hands.]

You asked me the other day, where you stand, and I told you, but you never answered my question. You still don't have to, I suppose...but I'd like it if you thought about it at least.

[reargunner]

[Maybe Abel would expect it but this question doesn't get the same sort of tension in response as his light prodding about the warden had. Rather, he looks at Abel in steady silence for a couple of seconds then exhales lightly through his nose.]

I've been thinking about it.

[Though the way the conversation had gone had left the question behind, he hadn't forgotten about it.]

And... it's fair. We didn't get to talk about it before. [Not just before here, but before, back on the Sleipnir, when he'd wanted so much to be able to even try to explain.

Cain sits up straight and leans forward, taking his hand back and moving himself out of Abel's arm. Music keeps playing quietly in his ear.]

You were supposed to just be a mission, like the others - something to deal with so I could just... go home. [He keeps his eyes down, looking at his hands.] I didn't want to go back to prison. I would have done anything to not go back to that place.

[A pause. He exhales an almost-laugh.]

But you—... you got under my skin before I realised. And you know who noticed it first? Fucking Deimos. [Fuck that guy.] And I denied it, but he was right. You're... special. I care about you. More than I wanted to; more than I should. Probably. I don't know.

[Cain shakes his head. He's never claimed to be good at expressing himself like this, but he's trying.]

And it doesn't fucking fix anything. It doesn't make it right. I know that. [The corner of his mouth twitches in a smile.] I know.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[When Cain moves, Abel presses his hands between his knees, trying to make sure he's focused, listening.

He knows about what he'd hoped to do, had been thinking about it for months. And when he was sitting there in bed, offered the chance to just leave the situation he was currently in, go somewhere else and earn a deal to fix everything that he couldn't possibly without the support of the alliance? He'd taken it in a heart beat.

And despite the similarity there, there was a difference. Glaringly obvious that he'd agreed to help people, to guide them towards their second chance at life. Cain had been ordered to do something else entirely. He still isn't sure that if given the same deal he's earning from the Admiral, he wouldn't do the same thing, even if it would make him sick. At what point would he have given up because he couldn't do it any more?]

I think, that's the easiest part to forgive. You were offered something precious to you when you were desperate, a way to leave before you'd even earned it. When I left to come here, I was running away because I didn't want to have to deal with everything, even if it was just for a little while. It's not the same, but it's close enough. I understand exactly what that's like, being desperate for change. But you're right...no matter what it became, were you ever actually going to tell me what was going on?

I'd like to think if you had, it...it wouldn't hurt so much, but I had to find out from Phobos, and it was humiliating, standing there, defending you when he knew exactly what you did. At least Deimos had the decency to tell him to stop shaming me for being a stupid slut when he was done.

[Abel's shoulders sag a little as he talks, not quite sure what to do, his knee's squeezing his hands hard so he doesn't gesture or pull at his hair. He was going to go bald if he didn't stop doing that.]

[reargunner]

... There were a couple of times when I wanted to. When I nearly did.

[He doesn't think that Abel really gets it no matter what he says, because Abel has never been in New Volga Correctional Facility. He can't possibly understand just how desperate Cain was to escape that situation, and the kind of person being in there had turned him into just so he could be sure of coming out on the other side.

Cain rubs the back of his neck.]

You remember... in the storage bay, when I let my name slip? I was gonna tell you something when I stopped freaking out, but we got interrupted.

[God, if that guy had been a few minutes behind on his route.]

Phobos is a dick, and he did what he did because he wanted to fuck with the both of us, but—... if I'd told you sooner... [He doesn't know. Would it have made a difference, or would Phobos have just looked for some other way to try and make a mess?

He shakes his head.]

I agreed to the Alliance's offer because I didn't have anything left to lose. I figured I'd just do what I had to; it wouldn't matter if I messed around with some stranger for a while, kept them distant... [The back of his jaw tenses.]

You were my last shot. And when I realised... that I felt something for you, and I wanted you to know the truth, I was... terrified.

sa mention

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel shuts his eyes again as he listens, his eyebrows knitting as Cain speaks, because he wants to believe him, but looking at his face, the way he moved, it just added to the sick feeling in his stomach that maybe there were some half truths sprinkled in, that he's missing something, and he doesn't want to be able to look in his eyes and see the things that he swore he saw, or didn't.]

He did what he did because he hated me, and Deimos probably wanted to get out because you were 'compromised'. I don't really blame either of them...If I hadn't found out, I don't think I would have survived many of those Jumps. The last one almost killed me, and I- I don't know if you knew that activating it would hurt me, but I think perhaps Cook and Bering did. I was expendable from the beginning.

[Despite not really wanting to believe the soft confessions of very real feelings, he could at least believe the look on Cain's face when Cook had started forcing himself on him. The very real fear in his eyes that followed when they'd both learned that he was a liability and was going to be terminated, the scuffle that had marked the beginnings of desertion. Together.]

I never did say thank you... for not letting Cook get away with it. He probably would have let you go, it wasn't like you had the same connections, and I think he's enough of a pretentious dick that he wouldn't think you were as much of a threat to security as I was. You could have just stood there and gotten what you wanted, and you didn't.

[reargunner]

[Cain shakes his head. No, he didn't know it would hurt the navigator, though he doubts it would have done much to change his mind at first.

He startles a bit, though, when Abel thanks him.]

You don't–...

[Thanking him for that is... Cain shakes his head, frowning.]

He would have got rid of us both. [And done worse to Abel before he did, Cain thinks. He's not so optimistic as Abel to believe that he would have got out of it all scott free if he just kept his mouth shut and let Cook do what he wanted. He knew too much by then. Maybe too much to dump him back on Mars and trust he wouldn't talk.]

And even if you're right, I couldn't just stand there and let him— do that to you. [His frown deepens.] I had to do something. Even if it meant...

[Neither of them had known for sure they'd get out of there. Cain's unshakeable faith in Abel's ability to keep them both alive might have spurred them on, but it was all on Abel in the end. It had to be.]

Even if it meant I'd never get to go home, it wasn't worth it. He's just lucky I wasn't the one who shot him. [The frown turns into a dark scowl.] I would have aimed higher.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I do. [It comes quick after, not wanting to let that slide. There was a great deal of risk in attempting it at all, and even if Cain had thought they were going to kill him too, it would have been easier to get away himself at a better moment.]

And they only detained you when you reacted after he hit me, I...I don't know. Maybe they would have, but my point is, I was a mess after everything that had just happened, Phobos, you, Cook? I wouldn't have been able to refocus, or even think about what the next move should have been with out you. It was too much...

And don't think I didn't consider it. [Even if Abel was sure he wasn't as good with a gun as Cain, he was still a good shot himself, especially at that range.] Killing him would have been too easy, and he deserves to stand trial so he can feel the weight of the world's disgust at what he and Bering orchestrated, rot in prison himself for how ever long he will. He'd actually deserve to be there.

[He's quiet a moment, staring at his knees before he quietly speaks again, the barest hint of a smile.] Felt good to kick him in the face though.

[reargunner]

Pft, they'll love him in prison.

[Assuming he actually gets put away and doesn't manage to squirm his way out of it. Bering, he's pretty sure, will go down as far as they can put him. Cook, though... he's sly, and Cain's sure he'll try and pin as much of it on Bering as he possibly can. Thoughts for another time, though, and useless ones here when there's nothing they can do about it one way or the other.

Cain cocks his head slightly, then ruffles his hand against the back of Abel's hair.]

You were hot as hell doing it, too. He had it coming. That and more. [It's weird to be able to talk about it so openly. Cain sinks down a little and closes his eyes, letting his head rest back.] ... Did I answer the question?

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel doesn't mention what his deal will be, but if he can't bring himself to go to the trial by the time this is over and Fitz has graduated, a verdict in their favor and the war ending will be a packaged deal.

He looks up a little at the fluffing, hands still between his knees and bumps shoulders with him instead of a shove.] If we didn't have to worry about the infantry, I might have done it twice.

[And while he hadn't specifically, they'd talked about quite a bit more than he'd expected. Did he really need a label for something that he had no idea what he wanted for either? At least he got some answers, more than he'd thought he'd get for a while.]

Close enough, I suppose. Honestly, It's...Its nice to even be able to talk to you again. I like the friends I've made here, and they're good company, give relatively good advice? But you lived everything with me, and no matter how many times I could try and explain what everything was like there? They would never quite get it like you do.

Less lonely that way...not being the only person from our 'distant future' when compared to everyone else.

[reargunner]

[Considering what happened the last time they saw each other, Cain really hadn't been sure how any of this would go. The fact Abel is talking to him at all, and pretty openly, and they're... actually getting along, is more than he could have really hoped for.]

Mm, I can see that...

[He looks down at his knees, his expression distant as his thoughts turn over. This isn't really how he would have wanted things to end up and even if he's still refusing the idea that he could possibly be dead, it doesn't make much difference. They're both still here, either way.

Sigh.]

It didn't go well. [The words come out a bit grudgingly, answering an earlier question that he had initially shut down.] I don't like him. If he keeps out from under my feet, I'll be fine.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He hadn't expected him to talk about it, but he kind of knows what he's saying immediately. It doesn't take much to shift the conversation over.]

Well, if it helps, I had a great first day with my own first temp, and then I promptly fucked it up the next day. It's...difficult, to figure out new people, especially when you don't know anyone, and I'm sorry it's not a good fit.

I don't really care much for the rotation process, but it's thankfully not forever. [Abel pulls one of his hands from between his knees and rests it palm up on Cain's knee, offering it quietly.]

You don't have to keep it to yourself though, I'm not...I'm not mad at you, and I want you to be able to talk to someone if you're not comfortable, or you're upset. It's not good, holding on to things here, they have this horrible habit of reappearing so easily when you least want it to.

But only if you want to. I'm...trying to give you space to do this by yourself, but it's difficult. Success was something we achieved together, you know? It's hard to let that go.

[reargunner]

[Cain looks down at the hand being offered then takes it again, sliding his fingers into the spaces between Abel's and curling them over his knuckles. He rubs the pad of his thumb against the side of the other man's hand and tilts his head as if thinking about something, or trying to shake a thought into place.]

It's not—... [A frown. His fingers squeeze lightly around Abel's hand.] Being soft in New Volga could get you killed. Or worse. Same if you're a fighter. People like that don't last long.

[Cain's voice is quiet. Stilted. He's not dismissing what Abel says, but rather pointing out why it simply isn't as easy to do as it is to say. He's not good at just talking it out.]

But I don't want space from you, Ethan. [He looks up at him then, those almost-black eyes fixed on his face.] We're a good team. No one can replace that.

[Even outside of the bullshit system this place is running, they're a good team. Even outside of that... no one is going to get close him like Abel has.]

... I trust you.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Maybe some other time Abel will try and convince Cain that this place isn't really like anywhere he's been before. It's entirely new, and different, and frustrating in so many ways that the Alliance wasn't, that perhaps New Volga was? He isn't sure, but what he does know is that he can't just keep going like he is forever.

Change took time, he'd seen it for himself, had dragged his feet and not wanted to confront his issues even if he told himself he needed to, practically begged himself to contact Malcolm, rip the harsh parts out and show it to him so that he could be better, could be fixed. But nothing was ever easy.

He pulls both their hands closer to him, a gentle tug that makes sure that he can hold Cain's gaze, searching that face for any trace of who he used to see before Alexei had started to bleed through.]

We need space, Alexei. If I don't keep my nose out of your business, if I can't just let you go and do what you're going to? We'll drive each other crazy, and you'll hate it, and so will I.

But space doesn't...It's not separation, it's...I'm trying to trust you, Alexei. I'm trying, and it's hard.

[He sucks in a steadying breath, leaning forward so that their foreheads touch, closing his eyes.]

It's never going to be like it was, because that wasn't- It wasn't real, but I'm with you now, and I will be as long as you want me to be here. I just can't do this for you, you have to do it by yourself.

[He opens his eyes again, pulling back just the slightest to attempt a smile, head tilting just slightly.]

And I believe you can, so let me see you succeed, and I'll be right there with you, alright?

[reargunner]

[Cain would face and process things in his own way, in time, and likely not in the same way as Abel given his preference for keeping things to himself. The Barge is different in many ways and yet, it still being a prison, and he still a prisoner in it subject to the authority of others whether he wishes it or not, the differences matter very little to him.

He listens to Abel speak, watching his eyes and how his lips move around each word, and although that qualifier of trying makes his chest twist he's still happy to hear it, somehow. All part of that chance Abel gave him - one he's determined not to waste.

Their foreheads press together and he fights the urge that rises in the back of his throat to argue. It's wrapped around a strange kind of panic that Abel is going to just cut him loose, something he knows is utterly irrational, and he closes his eyes for a moment with his tight grip the only thing betraying the flash of anxiety.

His eyes open again when Abel keeps talking and he meets the other man's gaze again.]

Ethan... you know I'm not playing along with whatever bullshit is going on here. Whatever fuckin'... arbitrary line I have to cross to end up with responsibility I dont even want. [For many reasons, several of which Abel is already well aware of. Can you really succeed at something you have no emotional or mental investment in?] And I know that's not what you want to hear.

[But he said he wouldn't lie anymore. Not that he'd even want to lie about that.]

But I'm done with being used. I won't do it anymore. That temp can go to hell if he thinks I'm just gonna toe the line for him because he says so. [His eyes shift away as his brow pinches.] I don't want to deal with him, and I can make that choice, right?

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He sighs, not really wanting to argue with him about the system, knowing he isn't going to get anywhere with it.] I don't expect you to stay on, Alexei, but I would like to see you able to go home, and I'm sure I'll be there, as if we never left. Time and reality is apparently weird like that, here.

And if you ever have a temp that doesn't work, that you feel might actually hurt you? Tell me, and I've got your back. Just, don't push every one away because you think they want something from you. I'm here, aren't I? I've got my own permanent assignment, and I've already accepted that I'm going to be here for a very long time working on it. But no matter how important ending the war is? I'm not going to stiff arm our way towards the finish line. People don't work like that...and I sincerely care about who I'm working with.

I know not everyone is like that, but...I'm giving you a chance, even though we both know I have reasons not to. All I'm saying is maybe try to give someone else those chances, even if you don't think they deserve them. They might surprise you, just like I'm sure you can surprise me.

[He gently plucks his ipod out of Cain's hand, popping the earbuds out of either of their ears and sets it up on his bed, out of reach, safe and sits up, stretching his arms to the ceiling to get some tension out of his back before he shifts, facing Cain fully now.]

But I didn't ask you to come by so I could lecture you, I wanted you to relax. [And while he's been trying to be less handsy, especially since he'd felt incredibly guilty about sleeping with him when he'd first arrived only hours after breaking it off in Cain's mind, he at least knows it's an easy way to get him to calm and settle.

Crawling into his lap would be an easy start, but he wants to do things differently, and communication he's learning is important. His palm settles on his chest, leaning in a little closer.]

Can I kiss you?

[reargunner]

[There's so much in what Abel says for him to argue with. He doesn't get it, he doesn't understand at all, and he has no idea how much Cain has been trying to ignore that he's a warden too; to avoid generalising because he doesn't want to start that fight.

And comparing the situations? That's wrong too. It's not the same, not even close, and his annoyance with the comparison comes across in his expression before he's distracted by the iPod being taken from him and the loss of the music in his ear that he'd almost stopped listening to.

It's all bullshit and he knows he's going to disappoint Abel by not taking on a single thing he just said, so he gives a small smirk and curls his hand over the one on his chest.]

Funny that you should say that after you try to lecture me. ['Try' being the operative word. He sighs slowly and runs his palm down Abel's arm.]

But you don't have to ask me for something like that. Just kiss me.