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[reargunner]

ᴛᴇxᴛ | ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ | ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ | ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ



Leave a message if you want. I'll get back to you when I pick my comm up.

Or I won't.

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[reargunner]

[He doesn't knock when he gets there. Usually he would, but this time he just walks in. There's nothing particularly awkward or hesitant about his posture - as far as he's concerned they both know how things are right now (thanks Florian) and he's past letting himself feel cowed by his own hesitance to confront anything.]

Hey.

[He's not annoyed. He moves to a seat and sits down, looking at Abel expectantly.

If he happens to have a cat on his lap, he will of course pat it.]

[inthebiblicalsense]

[The pot has just finished when Cain comes in, turning with it in hand. He was just about to ask him if he wants a cup when he realizes that Alex is already made himself comfortable.]

He missed his papa. U-um, you want a cup, before I sit down?

[reargunner]

[He pets Alex gently, rubbing a thumb behind one of his ears, and he studies Abel for a moment before giving a little shrug of one shoulder.]

Sure.

[Though he tends to not be a coffee person, he supposes he's fine to make an exception this time.]

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He is aware that Alexei is more of a tea person, but he does know how he takes it at least, walking over with two cups and setting one down in front of him before seating himself with some space between them, his knee pulled up under his other leg, resting his own cup on it.]

I- Before I start trying to apologize, I'd like to say that I was going to say something, eventually. I didn't call you just because of your friend coming by and telling me I'm not doing right by you, though it certainly kicked my ass into gear sooner. Remind me to apologize to Florian later for being a defensive ass.

[He looks down at the cup on his knee, practically half cream and sugar.] ...You always seem hesitant to talk when I ask to, and It seems to bother you, so I thought that giving you space was appropriate. Obviously I was wrong, and I'm sorry for that. We don't- I don't know how to do this well, and I should be more proactive in figuring that out rather than waiting on you to show me how, or wasting time thinking about the problem rather than talking to you about it.

[reargunner]

[There are a lot of things he could say here, but he's determined not to lead Abel by the hand through every single thing he needs to figure out. He'll speak up where it's needed but he's not going to do all of the work.]

Before you say anything else, I have a question to ask you

[An important one, and the answer is definitely going to colour everything going forwards. He takes a small sip of coffee and then exhales softly through his nose.]

When I told you I was sorry for everything that happened between us back home, did you forgive me for it?

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel waits patiently for the question, and when it comes, he is quiet for a good minute, obviously considering his answer very seriously.]

I did, and I meant it. I forgive you. [He takes in a breath before continuing.]

Though that doesn't mean I've forgotten it, and it doesn't mean I don't sometimes struggle with trying not to hold things against you, but I've been in therapy since I got here, Alexei, so that I can let go of it, and everything else that happened that had nothing to do with you.

My failure on that front if it happens, isn't your fault, and you have every right to be mad at me if I don't catch myself doing it.

[reargunner]

[Abel's tendency to Say Too Much means he's not really listening to most of that, just the important parts. He wouldn't have asked him to forget about it because he sure hasn't, but the rest... the rest is fine. He can work with that.]

Okay.

[A nod. He makes a small gesture.]

Go on.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He falters a moment as he's given the go ahead, unsure where to start.]

You're upset with me, and...I've been trying to figure out why. Our last conversation, I've been thinking about it over and over, and...I apologized for the way I asked you, and you said it was a shit thing to do, but I've already apologized, and we both recognized that I couldn't change it once I'd already said it.

You asked me if I wanted more from someone else because of some short coming of your own, and I thought I was very clear in saying that you did nothing wrong, and I don't love you any differently than I did before.

And we talked about what it might look like, but you kept saying I was saying too much, that you needed time, and space, so I gave you that. I- You started making jokes, changed the subject. I could tell you were upset, but you said give you space, I wasn't about to push you when you told me what you wanted.

You said no matter how I broached this, it would still hurt, and I get that, I apologized for it, but I can't- I can't read your mind. [He looks rather frustrated, biting his lip to keep his emotions in check because it's rather obvious he's mentally reviewed their last conversation over and over, and he can't figure out where he slipped, where he didn't address or apologize for what Alexei had said.]

So please, I- I don't know what I'm missing, but...I swear, I'm not just ignoring that you're upset, I can't find where I fucked up and I can't apologize for something I can't see, it- that wouldn't be a real apology, and you deserve one clearly because you can hardly look at me without wanting to leave.

[reargunner]

[It is frustrating to know that he doesn't get it. To see him skirting so close to understanding but entirely missing the point.]

You're missing a major part of the entire thing.

[Deep breath. He braces a hand against the edge of the couch and leans against it.]

You never asked me anything, Ethan.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He looks confused, eyebrows knit, frowning as he tries to think of- Of course he had. He had asked. He was sure of it.]

What? I...yes I did. I- [He sucks in a sharp breath. Oh.]

I meant to...after I apologized, but then you said you thought it was because of something you did and I... [Got so caught up in trying to shut that down that he'd forgotten to ask properly.]

I should have made a script. I'm- [Incredibly stupid.] I'm sorry, I- I thought I did...

[reargunner]

[His eyebrows go up slightly when Abel tries to deny it because that is a line he's more than willing to stand on, but even then...

Alexei rubs the pad of his thumb against one temple.]

The time to ask would have been before you even told me about Norton at all. [Fuck, he really is awful at this.]

Or did you get so caught up in trying to say everything right to get what you wanted that you forgot I was a fucking person?

[inthebiblicalsense]

I was going to, it...I had it all lined out in my head, but then you- [Disrupted the scenario by existing outside of it as a real ass person and it threw off all his plans.]

Oh my god...

[Abel sits for a moment, coffee completely forgotten on his knee, except now he's slowly reaching over to place it on the table before he pulls his legs up, running his fingers back through his hair before gripping it tightly. His forehead hits his knees, feeling like he needs to go scream at himself in utter horror.]

What the fuck is wrong with me?

[reargunner]

[... sigh.]

Don't do that. You're gonna go bald.

[He curls his hands around Abel's fingers and tries to gently prise them out of his hair.]

C'mon. Let go.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[That's exactly what Malcolm had said, and yet here he is, doing it again instead of trying those breathings exercises.]

My dad is balding. It shouldn't be genetic for me, but maybe it doesn't have to be.

[He's not even trying to make a joke, but he does relent a little, not gripping so tightly at least. He doesn't look up though, half talking into his knees.]

I was trying to say the right thing, but...the point wasn't to get what I wanted. Well, maybe that was part of it, but I spent so long trying to figure out what to say because I didn't want it to hurt you.

[reargunner]

[That's fine. He drops one hand but keeps the other on Abel's head, making sure he doesn't start to pull his hair out.]

Did you consider for even a second that 'hey, I'm in love with someone else' would hurt to hear no matter what you said?

[Seriously, Ethan...]

You didn't even ask me if I was okay with that kind of... relationship setup. [He lets his other hand drop and shakes his head with a soft exhale.]

I guess it seemed like I took it better than I did 'cause I was... trying to force it. But the more I thought about how it all came out... the more it just felt like you didn't actually consider how I'd feel at all. Just how you wanted me to feel.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I started to ask, during our first conversation, but then you freaked out, and I started panicking, it...I swear I didn't waste my time planning just to half ass it. [He sighs, heavily and rubs his face against his knees.]

Alexei, I'm not usually this hopeless, but when you're upset and panicking like that, and I can see it on your face, or hear it in your voice, I start to panic myself. And this isn't an excuse, I...I need to work on this myself, but it derails my train of thought with this hum, and I can't focus. It's...frustrating.

[He finally lifts his head just the slightest bit, lacing his fingers with Cain's carefully.]

And I do care how you feel. I just...see people on board and they make it work some how, and I guess I got caught up in wishing that was me.

I did try asking for advice, what they said when they brought it up, how to even start a conversation like this, and no one gave me a clear answer, after a while I felt like I needed to stop asking and just figure it out myself, and we can see how well that worked.

[reargunner]

[He shakes his head.]

I'm gonna come back to you discussing the complications in our relationship with half the Barge later.

[Yes, he knows it wasn't half the Barge, but allow him the moment of hyperbole to vent his frustration that Abel decided to talk to everyone but him about something in which he was more than directly involved.

He doesn't pull his hands away.]

And I... remember what you said was something like... 'we should tell each other if it starts to turn into more than sex'. That isn't asking. [Alexei is trying very hard to be patient. It's obvious in the tone of his voice and how he keeps carefully pausing before he speaks. Trying not to let his temper get the better of him.]

I'm not 'people on this ship'. And expecting me to be okay with shit because other people are and because you want it is... it isn't fair.

[He inhales softly and sighs it out.]

And Ethan, I don't like knowing that I'm being talked about and walked around like I'm not here. I told Florian the same thing when I fuckin' told him off for coming over.

[inthebiblicalsense]

It wasn't like I was talking to random people, I can't imagine what you're thinking I'm saying, but I'm doing it for my benefit, to work out the problem on my end and learn before I inevitably bungle it, apparently, with you. Unless you're saying I'm not allowed to ask for advice at all if your going to be attached to it, which I don't- That's ridiculous.

[He's missing the point of that entirely, but at the very least he's proving that he's attempting to communicate more than he has been, just...doing the majority of the leg work with the wrong people, namely those whose name isn't Alexei.]

I know that's not asking, like I said I wasn't done. [He shifts their linked hands to his knees, resting his cheek on them and looks across at Alexei, very clearly frustrated but trying his best to not let that get in the way of listening.]

What your saying to me, or at least what I'm hearing you say is that I'm not supposed to talk about you with my friends because you don't like it. Is that accurate, or am I missing something?

[reargunner]

[He has to take one of his hands back to pinch the bridge of his nose.]

I swear to fucking god...

[He's going to get a headache. He can feel it. It's better that they're talking, yes, but he can't help but feel like every time he turns he's stepping on a rake that flips up and hits him in the face.]

If that's what you're hearing you need to get your ears checked. It's not what I'm saying.

[It's what he might have said, once upon a time, but definitely not right now.]

What I'm saying is when you see there is a problem with me, I should be the one you talk to. I know I had my part in it too. But we're not children, Ethan. If we can't— if we can't just talk to each other then there's a bigger problem. [He frowns a little.] It shouldn't take months and you talking to multiple people just to be able to be able to approach me about something. I don't bite. Not unless you ask, anyway.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Alexei, when I called to ask you to talk, originally, and clarified that it wasn't something bad on the phone, you were incredibly anxious when you showed up.

What part of that, or anything that we've said or done before should have let me know that's what you want? I barely even knew you and Florian were friends, and he just comes over and tells me that he knows things, but I can't know what they are, so I'm dancing around you to try and preserve your privacy all the while he's telling me he has to assume I care but that it doesn't seem like it to him.

[And he knows that his method in this is wrong, he's going to work on fixing it, but jumping into this when he has no idea what he's doing was incredibly daunting, and he couldn't see himself just turning to Alexei without doing some kind of desperate advice seeking and come out any better, in fact he's sure it would have been worse.]

I know we're not children, but you can't tell me the communication issue is just a me problem.

[reargunner]

I didn't tell you that. I said I had a part in it, too. Just then.

[And he'll give the other man a slightly raised eyebrow, because this is kind of what he meant about Abel only hearing what he wants to hear.]

And yeah, maybe I was a bit anxious, because no good conversation has ever started with a paragraph-long 'I just wanted to talk about us' text. Especially not when I thought we had 'us' figured out already.

[There's a small twitch of one shoulder then.]

Guess I hadn't been entirely right on that count.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He presses his lips together, fighting the urge to roll his eyes.]

I'm not sorry for being thorough. And you've seen my reports, your lucky it wasn't two paragraphs, I could have spent less time editing it down to one, you know.

[It's unfortunate that he's only half joking.

He shifts a little, cheek still on his knees, but leaning more into the back of the couch rather than sitting up.]

When you first got here, you said you didn't want to know anything about who I might be messing around with, but it was fine that I did. So I didn't tell you about Norton, you made it clear you didn't want to know. And as far as we are concerned, I broke it off with you before I even got here. It had been almost half a year for me, Alexei.

[He stares at the small space between them on the couch.] Can you honestly say you were in the right place to talk about any of this, constructively for the first few months you were here? I- I told him that when It was time to go home, I was going back home to you. It's... you keep telling me not to cut you out of the equation, and I feel like I never did, but for a long time, you weren't there.

[reargunner]

[This time he does take his other hand back, but only so he can pet the cat still curled on his lap. It's growing increasingly difficult to keep his temper in check, but by god he's doing his best.

The cat helps.]

So, what's that supposed to mean to me? I wasn't here, you were doing... whatever was going on with Norton. I know that. But nothing about that means I have to be magically okay with you throwing 'by the way, I'm in love with him' at me.

[He looks down at the top of Alex's head and presses his lips together for a moment. He decides to take the high road in not mentioning that Abel immediately fell back into bed with him, and now here they were.]

You can't honestly be expecting that. That isn't how it works. You had to know I'd... find that hard.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I didn't say you had to be, I was trying to explain that I've been wanting to say something for months but when was a good time? I asked you what we were and you gave me this...non-answer, and turned the question back around to me. You said I was special, I said we were friends, because regardless of my own inability to keep my hands to my fucking self, I wanted to get to know you again, before I committed to anything.

Was I supposed to magically know that 'special' means that we're committing without you actually asking me to? Or should I have brought it up during that fucked up hell week, or when the boat flipped, or on the Narrenschiff, where we both were in survival mode and on edge?

And yes, I knew it was going to be a hard conversation, which is why I didn't have it, because I was worried about you, and how you were feeling. I haven't been putting it off just because I wanted some perfect outcome, Alexei... I don't know how many times I have to say it, but I don't want to hurt you, and you're right, I don't think there was a way to bring it up that would avoid that, but I'm not stupid.

You might act like it's better, but I know you're uncomfortable. I...Just didn't want to be the one that might push you over the edge. [And while he doesn't think Alexei is fragile, he understands that he was a life line for a while. He might not be as much now, he has other friends, which he's thankful for, but it certainly didn't feel like a good idea to shake up his stability with something that he felt could wait.]

[reargunner]

[He's quiet for a minute after that, not looking at Abel and just stroking his thumb back and forth behind Alex's ear while he purrs.

He can feel his bubbling frustration and knows he's getting irritated.]

This doesn't feel like it's getting us anywhere.

[Alexei sighs out eventually, and he sinks back against the back of the couch and lets his head fall back against it. He shuts his eyes.]

I don't know what you want from me in this.