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[reargunner]

ᴛᴇxᴛ | ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ | ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ | ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ



Leave a message if you want. I'll get back to you when I pick my comm up.

Or I won't.

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[reargunner]

[He sits and thinks, his expression unreadable, still fiddling with the now very crumpled up muffin case between his fingers. It's been a long few weeks and he knows it hasn't been easy for Abel either, but as much as he can hold sympathy and understanding there, he also cannot ignore the impact that the other man's continual poor decision-making is having on him too.

Nor can he entirely look past the almost laughable hypocrisy.

He lets out a slow, soft breath through his nose.]

Is there anything else that you aren't telling me right now because you're waiting for the right time, the right words, or some other way to tell me that isn't gonna piss me off somehow.

[inthebiblicalsense]

That isn't why I didn't tell you.

[The words are soft, but he shakes his head.]

No. That was the last of it.

[reargunner]

Okay.

[And he isn't sure he entirely believes that, but he's also pretty damned sure that Ethan knows he's on thin ice with this kind of thing now, and if Alexei found out he was lying it would be more trouble than it was worth.

So, he decides to take it at face value. He places his hands flat against the counter.]

... Why didn't you tell me.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[There are a plethora of reasons, but the main one?]

Do you think it's easy, accepting that my mind was permanently changed without my consent or knowledge? I- I was willing to give my life for the Alliance, and this is what I get in return?

I haven't wanted to think about it, because when I do the question of is it even reversible comes up, and if it isn't, then I can't- nothing I have done or could do to try and move on from what happened will ever be enough to fix this. It could just always be there, and I don't want to know if that's the answer.

[He'd been sitting there, speaking quietly in a false calm, but his voice starts to break, and he crumples onto the counter, head between his elbows.]

That's too much. I can't- All I ever wanted was to be normal, and I'm not. I'm something completely different.

[reargunner]

You could talk to Norton about it. Tell your therapist. Tell Florian before you told me. How's it easier to tell them about this first, when I'm the one who's involved.

[There's a certain forced calm in Alexei's voice too. Maybe him being involved made it harder. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just—...]

Is it because I did this? Is that why it's been harder to bring it up with me? Because if not for me this would never have happened to you at all?

[inthebiblicalsense]

I didn't tell Norton about it. [He wants to pull his hair out, but manages to refrain. Turning slightly so he can at least see Alexei through his arm, he tries to keep his breathing steady.] He found out from the dawnlight. I never would have brought it up otherwise. Anything else was- [He makes a desperate, frustrated sound, trying to find words.]

Do you not understand that I'm afraid? I'm afraid I'll hurt someone, or that you'll look at this and question, like you're doing right now that I'm blaming you for this when it isn't your fault.

[He sits up, voice shaky.]

And maybe the next question is 'does he actually love me, or is it that thing fucking with his head?' [And if it is, how does he even begin to prove it's not? That it's all him and nothing else.]

[reargunner]

I didn't say you told Norton. I heard what you said. Don't put words in my mouth.

[He's done that before. It's turning into something that Alexei is starting to notice.] And I didn't say you blamed me either. It could be harder to talk to me about it because of my involvement without you believing it was my fault. We were both put into a fucking shitty situation.

[Frowning, he looks away. To say the last point had not crossed his mind would be a lie. He'd said as much to Blitzø months ago.]

I understand that you're afraid. But I'm also seeing you assuming a lot of shit that is just making things harder for you.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[It isn't like he doesn't catch him dismissing everything but that last question.]

I'm not assuming, I'm thinking, and clearly all of it isn't irrational or catastrophizing. We could argue about semantics, the difference between 'tell and talked' all day, but none of it changes the fact that some of these things I can't stop thinking about, are real.

Or are you going to look me in the eye and tell me you never questioned it? That I shouldn't have been concerned about bringing this up? That we're fine, and not wanting to upset you more was just me being silly?

[reargunner]

[He closes his eyes for a moment.

Breathe. In, then out. What did that bratty monk say again..?]

Sure, I've thought about it. [Even, calm, steady. He looks Abel dead in the eyes.] But you know what? If you didn't feel anything real for me, the entire fucking thing would never have worked to begin with. So, I'm choosing to believe that it was real then, and it's still real now, because loving somebody is a choice and not just something that happens to you.

[Then he shakes his head.]

Should you have been concerned? Yeah, maybe. You give a shit about how I feel so, yeah, that concern's normal. [A tiny frown pinches between his eyebrows.] But it shouldn't have kept you from telling me, when I'm fucking involved.

[Alexei pauses a moment, taking another breath to steady himself.]

Sitting there telling me that you were putting off bringing this up because you thought I'd get upset is just—... it's an excuse. And it's fine, if that's what it is, but don't pretend it's anything more than that.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Why is it, that no matter what he does, which path he takes, here is Alexei, calm and collected. Sure, he's struggling with it, he can see that, but it doesn't make any sense to him.

They both agree, loving someone is a choice, and yet it isn't being pulled away, Ethan has thought through the logical outcomes and Alexei is presenting them and his answers like it's easy. He's not pressing against them with shit that doesn't make sense, off topic or just pure anger and consequence. He keeps doing it, and It's consistent.

It's consistent and it confuses him.

Abel deflates, sinking back in his stool as he rubs at his face, trying to calm down himself down.

If Alexei can be calm, maybe so can he. He doesnt have to yell to attempt to be heard.]

I don't- [He takes a shaky breath in.] I dont understand what keeps happening.

[reargunner]

[Being this kind of calm is a choice, too.

It's a hard choice when his temper is naturally so volatile, when he can hear his pulse ringing in his ears even as he pushes his voice to stay level. When he can feel his head swimming at the edges with the forced calm of his breathing. When he wants to grab Abel and shake him and scream at him for being such a fucking idiot over and over again—

But what would it achieve? He's smart enough to recognise that continuing to allow their conversions to blow up into shouting matches isn't helping anything. He can see that, even if it's hard.]

... What do you mean?

[inthebiblicalsense]

You're supposed to be mad at me. Why wouldn't you be? I- I keep making these stupid mistakes, and a new one pops up before I can even try and make up for the last one. I'm a fucking disaster.

[He let's his hands fall to his lap, chest rising and falling steadily, a little too fast to be calm.

He gestures as talks but its too sharp, frustrated and trying to let some of that energy out.]

But instead of what should happen, you're still calm. And I feel crazy, because you shouldn't be, and you are and I expected something entirely different. Its- it doesn't make any sense. I keep losing, as I rightfully should because im wrong, but you're not taking anything away for it.

Why aren't you doing that?

[reargunner]

[Blink.

Blink blink.

It takes him a minute to get that straight in his head.]

We're not—...

[The confusion does have the added side effect of deflating his temper, making it a hell of a lot easier to think. Not that it makes what he's now being presented with make any more sense.]

It's not a competition, Ethan. What the fuck?

[inthebiblicalsense]

It's not- but there's always a balance, isn't there?

[When had there ever not been one? He has no memory of not keeping track. Good grades, being silent at the dinner table, going to an event and playing his part never earned enough to make up for speaking out and wanting something different from his life.

When he'd enlisted it had been enough, he'd excelled with his supervisors, but the points didn't count with his fellow pilots. It couldn't be set right.

And now, here? Alexei had been on his best behavior, he had little reason to be angry with him, and the guilt he'd felt when he still was didn't make it any less confusing.]

[reargunner]

[Suddenly it makes sense. How their arguments play out the way they do. How there's always that push and shove, the idea of things being fair and balancing out.

Alexei's wide-eyed, semi-uncomprehending stare is likely a very good indicator that this is something he has never actually considered.]

No?

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel's hands slowly fall to his lap again, staring at him, trying to take that look as anything but surprise.

Its a rather impossible task.

He shrinks in on himself, wishing for the couch, to tuck in and not look at Alexei, but he'sin a stool instead and he cant quiet look away.]

I thought...every one did that.

[reargunner]

They— fuck, no, not everyone does that. The only time I've ever argued fucking tit for tat is with my sister, when we were kids.

[... Maybe that accounts for how frustrating it's been, as well.]

Have you seriously been thinking I've been keeping score this whole time?

[inthebiblicalsense]

[There is the softest little oh, now feeling like he's suddenly being viewed as childish. And perhaps it is? All he wanted to do was try and find some way it didn't lean so heavily against him. All these excuses, trying to find the proper thing to say so Alexei didn't get so angry.

Each word picked was important, carried weight, and yet usually never actually changed the outcome.]

I- yes? I was watching myself fall so far behind, it- it didn't make any sense that you were still even here.

[reargunner]

That's not... fucking hell.

[He rubs his face, muttering some choice Russian curses into his hands, then lets them both fall into his lap.]

I haven't... been keeping score. What I have been is fucking pissed off and hurt because it kept feeling like everyone else was finding shit out about what you were struggling with before I was, or that you were hiding things from me and I didn't know why—... I guess now I know why.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[That's the worst part about learned behavior, it feels natural and familiar and despite what Alexei had kept telling him, the answer had never been 'talk to him first' when he needed to figure out how to do that and not ruin his standing more.]

I...don't even know what to say. I'm sorry?

[reargunner]

[A sharp exhale. He rests his elbow on the counter and props his chin on his hand.]

Are you sorry?

[He's still looking quite calm, with something of a pointed expression on his face. He makes a small gesture with his free hand.]

"I'm sorry for..."

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Well that doesn't make him feel anywss childish, his face flushing before he frowns down at the counter.]

I- I'm sorry for making you feel like I wasn't prioritizing you, or excluding you when I was struggling. That wasn't my intention at all, and I can see now, if you weren't keeping a balance, why what I've been doing is frustrating and confusing...

[reargunner]

[Maybe he needs to feel a bit childish. It's something different from the endless circle of winding himself up and then deflating when he doesn't get the fight he expects, at least.]

Okay. I accept your apology.

[Then he cocks his head a little against his hand.]

I'm still kinda pissed. But you're forgiven.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[It's different, and he doesn't like it, but he isn't sure what he dislikes more, that or the easy way Alexei forgives him.]

You have every right to be pissed off at me. [He sighs heavily and rubs at his forehead.]

God, I feel crazy...

[reargunner]

You want a minute to sit with that? I could use a coffee anyway.

[And he doesn't even have to leave the room to get it this time. Amazing.]