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[reargunner]

ᴛᴇxᴛ | ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ | ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ | ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ



Leave a message if you want. I'll get back to you when I pick my comm up.

Or I won't.

Comments

[reargunner]

So why try to fucking justify it. You know it's just gonna piss me off.

[Something about how Jacob is talking to him - or reacting to him - is prickling his temper. Like a cat having its fur brushed the wrong way.]

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He really wants to hold his tongue, but he's tired of being the one that Alexei shits on, even if it isn't personal. It's been months of Jacob not being able to say what he wants for fear of setting him off, and not trying to fuck him over. It's been weeks of Jacob trying to navigate what Alexei needs, but knowing that he hasn't been the right person for it.]

What doesn't, nowadays? Jesus Christ, I can't say shit to you without you going off on me.

[He's calm as he says it, quiet. Not quite resigned but not quite - not, either.]

[reargunner]

You're not saying shit to me, that's the fucking problem.

[It isn't even about the warden thing anymore. He's over his annoyance at that, for the most part, though he'd admit his issues with the system are playing a part.]

I don't know what it is you think you're trying to do - give me 'space', or whatever, but it's getting really fucking old. Nothing I fucking say feels like it means anything with you anymore.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[There's a long moment of quiet where Jacob tries to find his thoughts. Not because he's angry, but because he wants to argue his point.

But that's not helpful. He pauses.]

Alright.

So tell me what I've been doing, because, from my perspective - well, it ain't like that.

[reargunner]

Are you kidding me.

[Seriously? He's stopped walking, because this definitely isn't a walk and talk conversation.]

You're brushing me off all the fucking time. I try to tell you I spent years being fucking kicked to shit if I didn't do what I was told and all you got for me is 'yeah well shit sucks, but I got to buy toilet paper'. Get a fucking clue. Don't know where you left your ability to have a decent conversation, but maybe find it 'cause I'm sick of talking to you when all you do is make it feel like I might as well have not fucking said anything.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He stops and turns towards him.]

Fucking hell.

[Still not angry. Mostly - surprised.]

How the fuck am I supposed to know what you take seriously and what you don't? That's how I talked to all my buddies in the army. I'm not - it sucks, man. It really sucks.

But you haven't exactly been giving me the time of day when it comes to serious conversations. 'Yeah, I'm fine' but 'no, I don't want to talk about the breach' are two different thoughts. Then you want to drift into talking about how shitty things are? The mixed messages are hell.

But - I am sorry. For not - taking you seriously. For brushing you off. That's not what I intended, and it feels shitty.

[reargunner]

Whatever.

[He snaps it out. Walks past him a few feet and stops, hands shoved in his pockets.]

Just— fucking whatever. I'm not one of your army buddies, I don't want to talk about the fucking Breach and that was the only topic you seemed to have in mind. And maybe 'I'm fine' just means I'd rather not talk about all the ways that I'm fucking not. I know I'm not always easy to get a read on, Jacob, but I'm not a fucking brick wall. I know that.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

You kind of have been with me.

[He lets him walk off and doesn't follow, but he doesn't dismiss him, either.]

Shit changed after I graduated, and if I knew that this would fuck up our friendship, I'd petition the Admiral to unpair immediately. You're important to me and I want you to be alright, but you haven't treated me like a friend in months.

[reargunner]

[He doesn't turn around, he just looks at the floor silently for a minute.]

You wanna talk about that then, huh. Ready for that stuff I didn't think you'd wanna hear?

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

Might as well.

[He slides his hands into his pockets.]

[reargunner]

Fine.

[And he still doesn't look, he just talks.]

It isn't about the pairing up. I'm pissed at the Admiral for that, not you. He had no fucking right. [And he's sure some people think it'll be 'good' for him, which just makes it more annoying.]

And yeah I've acted weird with you, but you've not been normal with me either. We're stuck in this parasitic, transactional linkup that neither of us asked for and I'm trying to pull it apart from just being your friend, but when you're talking like you don't think what I'm telling you, when I'm talking about my life, is worth more than a laugh or a stupid fucking quip it's real fucking difficult to do that.

[His Russian accent thickens and he takes a breath, tilting his head back slightly.]

Somewhere along this it... started comin' across like you're talking to me and trying to check in 'cause you think you need to. Not because you want to.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[It isn't anything he didn't want to hear. In fact, it's a goddamn relief to hear it. He nods, not disagreeing with anything he says.]

You're not a box I check off.

But I needed you, man. I needed you and you weren't fucking there, so maybe I've been a little fucking resentful of the Admiral for fucking it up. Maybe that's spilled over for you, too. I don't mean it to cuz I know you've got shit going on. I'm only human, Alexei. I'm a forty five year old fucked up guy doing the best I can.

But I am sorry it's been like that for you. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

[reargunner]

If you needed me you should have fucking told me that.

[He didn't, did he. Did he?]

You can't come at me saying you can't read my damned mind and expect me to have been able to read yours.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He just stares at his back.]

Yeah, Alexei. I did. You told me you weren't the person to talk about that shit.

So I didn't. I said I wouldn't. You said you'd hold me to it.

So that's what I've been doing.

[reargunner]

You did not.

[He exhales sharply through his nose then breathes in. Clenches his fists tightly and then slowly loosens them. Trying to hold on to his temper.]

I'm not the person to talk to about that shit, 'cause— anything I could have said would have made you feel worse. I couldn't... be whatever support you needed. Not for that.

[He shakes his head.]

And I'm sorry, if that made it look like I didn't fucking care. It was just better for both of us that I didn't dump all my fucking issues on top of the ones you already had.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[Jacob isn't expecting the apology and it takes him back a moment.]

You get so pissed off at people telling you what you feel and how you feel, but that's what you're doing right now, you know. Telling me how I would feel. Telling me what's best for me.

[reargunner]

[Another small headshake. He folds his arms.]

'S what's better for me too. You weren't the only person in it.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

Yeah, neither were you. But that was a decision you made on your own.

[He does take a step forward this time.]

So look, you want me to say it? I needed you then because everyone treated me differently after I graduated. They treated me like I had earned something really fucking big. Like I had done something so huge and major. Even Ro and Astarion. And I felt exactly the same. I didn't earn this, and if that's the secret to this place, then it's shit.

So yeah. I needed you because you were the one who was going to tell me it was full of shit and I needed that.

[reargunner]

And how am I supposed to fuckin' know that when you're telling me it messed you up, huh?

[He frowns at the floor, his fingers gripping around his elbows.]

That doesn't say 'I need to hear it's a load of shit'. That just sounds like you need reassuring and I couldn't fucking do that for you. I have to look out for my damned self as well, you know. Getting involved would just—

[Huff.]

It wouldn't have done me any good to start going off about it. Even if it was what you needed to hear.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

Yeah, sounds like you and I got a real communication issue. Whole lot of assumptions flying around here.

Look. Forget it. Nothing to be done about the past few weeks. Just tell me now if you want to keep this up and we'll figure it out. I'll be more mindful and make sure I'm not talking over you. But if we're fighting every time we talk, then fuck it. That's exhausting. For everyone. And you deserve to be around people who don't piss you off.

[reargunner]

Keep what up.

[He glances over his shoulder a bit, turning just enough to be able to keep an eye on him.]

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[In retrospect, he should have clarified, but Jacob doesn't like to put the inmate and warden dynamic in the forefront of his mind.]

Us being friends.

[reargunner]

Oh, don't be a fucking ass, what was the point of this whole thing if I didn't give a shit about that?

[He went to effort here. He wouldn't even bother if he just wanted to write everything off.]

Just, fuck, stop fucking talking to me like I'm your goddamn grandma.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[Jacob blinks.]

My Nana would have smacked me upside the head for talking to her that way. But yeah. I get it.

You gonna stop talking to me like I'm just some random fucking guy?

[reargunner]

Only if you're gonna quit acting like I'm gonna bite you every time I raise my damn voice.

[He doesn't bite people anymore. Unless they ask.]

If I see you look at me like a kicked puppy one more time I'm gonna start talking to Mae instead.