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[reargunner]

ᴛᴇxᴛ | ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ | ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ | ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ



Leave a message if you want. I'll get back to you when I pick my comm up.

Or I won't.

Comments

[inthebiblicalsense]

He told me a story recently about how their ship brought them somewhere that was essentially an inescapable trap on purpose, and to get them out it created some kind of book that was a key to leaving, but it was in a museum that was impossible to steal from and it psychically compelled the Doctor to steal it, landing him in jail.

And if you'll believe me, that isn't the weirdest thing that happened before he was done.

[He loves Fitz Kreiner dearly, but that man drove him crazy with some of the things he said.]

I've also heard a story about how he was made to be a naked pet on a leash for aliens and made to walk on all fours. I'm glad that I don't have any want to join him in his adventures when he's able to leave.

[reargunner]

He's told me a few. I'd say he was lying if this place wasn't full of fuckin' weirdos.

[With the top half of the muffin demolished he peels the wrapper off the bottom half and starts on that.]

Puts any story I could tell to shame.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Oh, I wouldn't doubt some of what he puts in there are lies, he is very good at bullshitting. But usually it's mostly true.

[Fitz generally only lies while story telling to make it more interesting anyways.]

I've been better off learning guitar from him than story telling. I was thinking I might try and get my own if there's any options available in the upcoming port...

[reargunner]

[For a moment or two, Alexei is clearly enjoying his muffin too much to form a response, then he swallows and shrugs one shoulder.]

I warned him about the guitar thing. Can make a man way too attractive if he knows how to play an instrument.

[A small smirk.]

Honestly. Really hot.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[The only person he's played in front of is Fitz, so it isn't like he's been all that open about it. It's one of those things where he wants to get good at it before he starts sharing it with other people.

He dips his head a little, a soft laugh.]

Well, maybe I'll play for you once I get my own. I haven't really had any kind of audience yet, but if you promise not to laugh at me, maybe you can be the first.

[reargunner]

I promise, you will not see me laugh.

[He crosses his heart, well aware of his choice of words, and swallows the last bite of the muffin as he brushes his hands together.]

Aerith got me on to blueberries. Why do they call them that when they're fucking purple.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I won't see you laugh, hmm?

[He caught that, Alexei, but he suppose that's fine.]

I still really like strawberries more, but they are really good. Especially right out of the fridge. And I have no idea...I'm sure I could find the answer in the library somewhere though...

[reargunner]

No, no no. [Handwave!

He fiddles with the paper muffin case, folding it in half, then again, and again, until it's in a thin wedge that he starts messing with the pointed end of.]

I like the mystery.

[Grin.]

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Abel takes a moment to take that in, the way he's smiling, the softness of a pointless conversation, a pleasant morning all and all. He lets his eyes settle on Alexei's face before they drop down to the counter.

He doesn't want to ruin this, but...if he doesn't, Florian would just inform him anyways, and that would be worse. He sucks in a deep breath and releases it, fully turning in his stool.]

Alexei, can I ask you a question?

[reargunner]

[Slightly scatterbrained before any early morning caffeine Alexei is already distracted by a few things and has his attention dragged back from visually searching the room for Alex by the question.

His eyebrows go up a little bit, but he looks otherwise unconcerned.]

Yeah? Of course you can.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[Thankfully there is the pot of coffee sitting there waiting for him to pour himself a cup if he so desires.

Abel swallows, trying to press himself forward.] I assume you were briefed on MOTHER, but...did anyone go into what the Jump Drive actually did, how it would affect the navigator once it harmonized with them?

[reargunner]

[He looks startled for a moment, then unsure, then he sniffs lightly.]

Not in so many words.

[His tone has changed. Not massively, but it's a noticeable difference from the casual joviality of seconds earlier.]

I worked some of it out. Shit Bering said. What he wanted me to do. Stuff I overheard when I was hanging around places I shouldn't have been.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[It's very obvious by the way he's sitting and the look on his face that Abel is uncomfortable and doesn't want to be having this conversation, but the change in Alexei shifts that more to shame.]

Would you mind telling me what you do know, so I can fill in the gaps?

[reargunner]

[Another pause. He chews on his thumb nail a little, then drops his hand and shakes his head.]

No. If you know all of it you should just tell me that. I might have got shit wrong and you'll just take longer correcting everything than you would if you just put all the information out.

[Then, curious—]

Was this all on the chip?

[inthebiblicalsense]

No...it wasn't in the chip. There were notes on my 'progress' but most of it was conjecture. I wouldn't expect anything less than that from Cook. [And his shit science.]

Honestly I don't know much, just...I know how it feels, a-and I think there might be more, but I can't say for certain. But I'll tell you what I've felt in the past.

I should have said something long before this, but...honestly it wasn't until we started getting into fights recently that I was able to confirm for certain that it was still there.

[none of the other fights they'd has before this had left him quite so distressed, and he could write off the repeating worry during conflict that he needed to be okay as regular anxiety because he hadnt laid eyes on him.]

[reargunner]

[His expression shifts, a small raise of one eyebrow that drops again almost immediately.]

You don't know much, but you can fill in the blanks of what I think I know?

[Alexei's mouth twists a little into a faintly wry half-smile, as if to say 'come on, that sounds like bullshit'.]

Just get it out, Ethan. Beating around the bush is what's led to us arguing before.

[inthebiblicalsense]

I'm getting to it... [The fact that he is still circling around it is from his own discomfort. It had taken him months on board before he even started thinking about what might be wrong with him.

It might be dramatic to say, but the members of MOTHER were sequestered for a reason. What was to say they even still looked human after all these years spying on the hive? Were they still human?]

Before it activated, I would stay up after you had fallen asleep and promised myself that I would protect you. I...felt I had a purpose, a duty to protect every one on earth, but we were so good together, it made it feel like it wasn't just a childish dream any more. I didn't want anything to happen to it, or to you.

I was thinking of it, the first time we jumped, that nothing would hurt you, but it felt different that time. Becoming less my own voice, but voices repeating it like a prayer in my mind backed by this electric humming. A-and it hurt, physically, even after we had reappeared. I was dazed, confused and had no idea what had happened, but I didn't hear it any more so I let it go.

[reargunner]

[Under other circumstances he'd be touched by that kind of thing. He supposes that he is right now, though he doesn't let it show on his face. Too much has happened recently to bruise his trust in the idea.

Healing, yes, he's not discounting that, but it still smarts.]

Okay...

[It lines up to the things he'd managed to figure out on his own, albeit with more personal context that he didn't have before. He remembers vaguely that Abel had seemed very out of it when they'd climbed out of the Reliant that time, but he hadn't thought much of it then. He'd been too excited.]

And then what?

[inthebiblicalsense]

[And then what, he says as if this is easy.]

And then we jumped again. I wasn't confident we could, but when I called for you, and you didn't answer, and there was your blood on my face, m-my hands-

[His hands curl up into fists on the counter, turning in his chair so he isn't looking at Alexei any more. It doesn't feel good to relive.]

You were dying, and there it came again, but this time it was overwhelming. Like it was screaming in my head, and I thought...what if you didn't survive, and it was my fault? That we couldn't leave together...like I believed we could. It was so intense I blacked out.

I have no idea how long I was out, but when I looked out the view port and saw Mars, the proximity alarms blaring, I was bleeding from my nose, and felt terrible.

I can't say whether it was the adrenaline, or the jump drive still compelling me to have the strength to drag your body out of the ship, but I did. [It all felt like a series of intense, painful blurs, panicked, fearful, desperate.]

After I got us free, I was unconscious for a week. It was unexpected that I got up on my own, but all of it just felt like surviving long enough to ensure you were safe so I could let go, and die.

[reargunner]

[He stays quiet for a minute after that, just looking at Abel while he sits there turned away. Something tells him he should be feeling strongly about this in some way and yet... he feels oddly calm.

Alexei worries at his lip for a moment. He picks up the folded muffin wrapper from the counter and starts messing with it again, turning and flipping it between his fingers. The silence weighs into something that feels almost heavy.]

I don't...

[He'd suspected it. That Abel would do anything to keep him safe. That he'd kill himself if he had to. He'd suspected it was because of the Jump Drive and the bond that they had, and that it had done something to him. Somehow, hearing it put into words like that makes it feel more extreme.]

Why are you telling me this now?

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He could say it was only because he'd been given an ultimatum, a time limit, but it's more than that.]

Because I had hoped when the ship burned, maybe that was the end of it...but when I upset you, and I could see the pain on your face I could hear it again, that electric humming. [He'd said as much when he tried to explain why he'd fumbled so much, that it was distracting, and confusing and painful, but he hadn't wanted to say where it came from. It felt like an excuse, and it was.]

The entire time until we came to an accord, I had a terrible migraine. I couldn't sleep, and it wasn't just from guilt, it was the damn jump drive.

A-and if it's acting like that, what would happen if I saw you in danger somewhere? I don't have the Reliant, it's...just like I'm waiting for me to lose control of myself to this impulse, and I'm worried I'm going to hurt people because of it...

[reargunner]

[Again, that quiet. He's processing it. Thinking it over. His eyes close as he mulls through it.]

... I knew. At least, I knew some of it.

[He'd said as much already so that shouldn't come as a surprise.]

That you were tied to me emotionally somehow. That it would take advantage of an impulse to protect me because you had feelings for me. [That was the whole point of his mission after all.] I'd figured... that it was pretty deep. That you'd do anything.

[Even die.]

Bering never thought I had a brain in my head. Saw me like an animal just like everyone else. But I'm not stupid. I could put the pieces together as well as anyone.

[inthebiblicalsense]

[He had never really seen Cain that way. He might have repeated stereotypes and shit he'd heard right back at him when they'd first started, but he had never thought he was beneath him or inferior.

They were both human after all. ]

Bering is an idiot if he spent all that time with you and just saw a brainless weapon.

[He sets his hands close to one another, distracting himself with his own hands, tracing his palm with a finger.]

When we went to port a few months ago I was suspicious of it, because Norton saw the truth of what the Jump drive did to me in the dawnlight. If he could see that, I was worried that it wasn't quite over even if I didn't want to look at the reality of that. [A short pause, mulling it over.]

So, I told my therapist too. Just in case something happened...I still don't know what, and I should have said something to you then, I know I should have but- [Deep breath in, Ethan, out.]

It really scares me...that maybe it will get worse, or maybe I'm not quite human any more...it isn't like any of the test results and studies they did on MOTHER were accessible.

Still, it- it affects you, and I shouldn't have withheld it from you.

[reargunner]

[Alexei is not stupid. A process of elimination has long since informed him of just who Abel's 'therapist' is, but he tends to keep the annoyance of knowing that to himself because he doesn't feel that is a boundary he is allowed to place.

But there's a visible irritated twist of his expression when it's mentioned that he knows, along with everything else that he knows that Alexei hates being aware of him knowing. Norton is slightly less of an irritation, but still, that was months ago.

He presses the tips of his fingers together and takes a breath. In, then out.]

... No, Ethan. You shouldn't have. [Then he rubs one hand across his face for a moment.] I don't wanna hear 'I feel like I'm always the last to know' from you for a bit. Okay? Because this—... you should have already told me about this.

[inthebiblicalsense]

If Norton hadn't asked about what he'd seen I probably would have continued to ignore it for as long as I possibly could have. [Which, he gets that's not right, but he's being entirely honest this time. Forcing himself to be, and that includes the rest of the mistakes he would have made if he hadn't been forced to show his hand.]

Thats...Fair. [He continues to just look at his hands, setting his jaw to prepare for the next part.]

I told Florian last night. I...asked him to look out for you when it might be dangerous for me to try. I've already had to accept that I failed you once. [In some timeline that isn't his, but it was still him. He still failed Alexei.]

I refuse to do it again, even of it means accepting I can't be the one to protect you any more.